Life

[mlr]

About 7 or 8 years ago, I occasionally visited an adult book store on the edge of town. The place is no longer around for various reasons. For one, the internet has rendered most of these places extinct. Also, because of its proximity to town, it was sometimes the focus of a small but dedicated band of rabid fundamentalists who would stand in front with signs and bibles and sometimes, sadly, their children. I mainly rented videos there, and only rarely checked out the activity in the back arcade. Usually there wasn't anything interesting going on, or anyone very attractive.

On one such visit - a Monday evening I recall quite vividly - I was returning a video. Out of boredom on a sleepy night, I stepped into the arcade for a minute. As I was standing in front of the 'menu' of videos playing in the rooms, I was aware of someone suddenly standing beside me. Within a couple of seconds I duly checked the man out with a furtive glance. I was shocked to recognize him as the husband of a woman I worked with. I had always assumed him to be straight. He was the epitome of a conservative family man. This small arcade was of course the domain of people looking for an anonymous encounter. If the clientele didn't think of themselves as gay, their activity certainly was.

My seeing him was all the more odd because I knew his wife at that very moment was lying in recovery from surgery in a hospital bed. After a pause, I quickly left without exchanging another glance. Driving away I quickly put the small incident behind me. For one, the ethos of such a place dictates utmost discretion. And two, anyone's life, friend or foe, can be hopelessly complicated. The woman was more than my workmate, she was also a friend. She was a beautiful woman, the mother of five grown children, some of whom were at that time in Iraq. I was extremely fond of her, as I still am.

So much for preamble.

About three months ago, I was in my neighborhood market picking up dinner. As I looked up, a fellow passed by that I recognized but couldn't place. It took five seconds or so to recognize him. This was the man! I hadn't seem him in over a year. There was a reason I didn't instantly know him - he had lost weight. Lots of weight. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. I saw from a distance his wife and waved at her.

I had only known him to be a big husky fellow. Not obese at all, in fact no belly to speak of. Just big. Big chest, arms, legs. Maybe an ex-footballer, probably around 260 - 270 lb. Now before me was a completely different silhouette. Most gay men my age saw at least a few of their friends in the 80s and 90s morph from husky gym boys to emaciated waifs in a matter of months. Such was the form my friend's husband now held.

No straight family man in Texas reduces his mass by two thirds in a weight-loss program. If he had had cancer, or any other such thing, we would have all known about it. But in a family like this, any suggestion of HIV/AIDS would be a shameful announcement to the world.

Closeted. Hypocrite. Scoundrel. The words are so easy to toss out. However I can't imagine many of my gay friends being able to resist the charms of this guy, if they found themselves cruising the same back room. Friendly, handsome, and beefy, with tufts of sandy hair poking out of his neck-collar.

Last night I was able study my friend for a few seconds. Deep circles have overtaken her beautiful face. Her common sense and optimism still shine through. But there is also something grave and worrisome. I am making a few assumptions I guess - but not many. They were planning to move to Dallas in September. That never materialized, and has not been mentioned in weeks.

I am concerned for her.

Comments

[holy13nation.livejournal.com]

As I have always been appreciative of older, lets be blunt, not in any way camp, men I inevitably met some over the years who were married. While I admit to an initial thrill I always found it weighed too much on my mind and, if I asked them and they were honest or I had any lingering doubt, I would politely decline. Unless however, as with politicians and the like, they were actively involved in anti-gay machinations I always thought, as you say, that peoples' lives are often fraught with difficulties, conundrums and complications that we often do not see.
Many were also either from a generation or a background or milieu that made being openly gay difficult. I have always been out and believe others should be, ideally. But it is not for me to judge others realities.
Those I talked to usually found they could not identify with what is seen as the 'gay scene' or so called 'gay culture'. One was a marine who was married and had two grown up sons. He loved his wife. He said she knew by then and I believed him. He loved the army and his career. He loved the life he had. But grew to discover he found men more attractive than women. He was no more comfortable in a gay bar than I would be at a mess dinner.
Very little in peoples' lives is a straight forward as it appears. Doing the right thing absolutely always is rarely possible for any of us.
I hope your friend and her husband have some support in their lives. They are obviously not bad people.
Just very human.
And very frightened.

[sandor-baci.livejournal.com]

One betrayal after another after another... what a sorry business.

[cellboy.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder what happened to a someone, and wonder if they are still around. In prehistoric times, when I was selling Real Estate, I sold a home to a nice straight couple with 2 college kids. We became close friends. Anyway this was during the dot com bust, and the husband lost his job, leaving the wife to work, requiring her to travel. While she was away on business, the husband and I went out to dinner. Had our drinks, food, and then I dropped him off at his home. He asked me in for one more. Anyway, I felt I was in no shape to drive, so he told me to use the bed in the room to rest, and go home later in the am. I fell asleep, but then was woken up by him, next to me fondling me and my cock. Then seconds later he was going down on me. I did not know what to do, but just froze (with a hard on of course). I had just come out months earlier, so really not too sure, or experienced in how to handle this. The next morning, after we woke up, I asked what that was about, and he said no worries, don't worry about it. Months later I told my first BF about this. He asked who he was, and he said that he knew who he was. He frequented the gay bars, and leather bar in San Jose often. His wife later asked me if what we were up to that night (she called the house, as her husband was going down on me. He answered and said I was here watching TV, after going to dinner...) I told her pretty much the same. Later that year they moved to SoCal. And never heard from them again. I always wondered if he was closeted, straight, or what ever. The couple did hang with a older gay couple that owned a local store and bar. In fact he hung out with them a lot. So I suppose he was pretty much closeted. If he were gay, did he eventually come out to his wife? Did he stay with her? If he did stay with her, and not confide, what an ass to treat her this way. If he was promiscuous, did he do it safely? If not, is he still alive?

[mlr.livejournal.com]

In the days before gay liberation, I think this was one of the patterns - not everyone moved off to Greenwich Village. But obviously it's a pattern that is still valid to some people - Tom Cruise & John Travolta only being the most famous examples. (On Travolta's wikipedia page there is no mention at all of any rumor. On Cruise's, it only mentions the litigation he's issued in defense.)

For me, I guess it's a chance to ask what role does the closet play in my own life. And what kind of damage am I causing by allowing any remnant to remain at all.